Even in the Darkness, there is Light...

The Other Side of the Block

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 01:52:33 GMT

These past two (2) days have been different from most days. Why? Well, I actually feel like I am accomplishing things compared to just partially going through life being a commentator on the world around me. I know, that might not seem odd, but the truth of it is that I haven't even left the house these past two days for more than an hour, and that was just to go somewhere and pray about a few things. No, the accomplishments I feel right now are more along the lines of self-realization. I look back and I see that I had dreams of being some hot-shot writer (who can't write grammatically, mind you) and being known as the C. S. Lewis of my own time. Then I realized that, even on the highly unlikely chance I do accomplish that, that I won't have accomplished too much at all. Of course, Lewis was an amazing writer and one of the greatest theologians of our time, and that is great for him. However, I am not Lewis, and therefore I can't live my life trying to be like him. There has always been one phrase that has echoed in me since the first time I heard it, "This is my story." I have got to start living the life of Chris Cohron, and not a cheap imitation of great men and women around me. I can't allow others to govern my choices in life, but instead live by the values and passions that God has put in my individually. If every artist had tried to paint The Mona Lisa then we wouldn't have Starry Night. I guess that, for the first time, I realize that this is my story.

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 21:43:40 GMT

You open so many doors that a breeze is blowing in. Its a familiar wind, the wind of change, and I don't like it. Sometimes I want to stay here with them, with the things and people I know. I want to stay here with them, and you know that.

Except, I can't. I know that if I stay where I am, with all of these open doors, yet don't go through them, then that breeze of change is going to change me for the worse. You didn't open these doors without the intention of me stepping through, instead You opened them to take me to new doors, with new breezes, but with new people? I hope not, I am finally free with these people, finally able to be me. I know You will provide though, you always have, you always will.

Change. It changes things. But will it change me?

Sun, 13 Aug 2006 06:33:29 GMT

Today was Springfest, which was lame and filled with craptastic country music cover bands. I went to work at the church booth making cotton candy all day. Come to find out, I am quite good at swirling cotton candy into perfect forms. I could definately work at a circus of some sort. In fact, it was a complete bore most of the day, simply swirling stringed sugar onto paper cones. It gave me plenty of time to think about how out of control my life is right now. I say out of control, but I guess the more acurate thing would be "not to my liking". So as I was leaving fireworks started. I jumped on top of the roof of my car and sat to watch them. I guess it was right then when I realized that everything will definately be okay. Definately. I know that may not sound amazing, but that was one of the biggest momments of my life. It didn't come from some amazing message I heard, it didn't come from a massive life changing event; it came from watching a low-budget fireworks display on the roof of a run-down Jeep. God works in mysterious ways.

Right Now...

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 08:34:05 GMT

Lets take a look at what is going on right now:

* Todd's birthday was today, so I was already in an emo kind of mood. The fact that nobody else really cared about it is quite upsetting, but I have learned that 9 times out of 10, nobody cares.

* Allyson just got home from the hospital, and we still don't know what is wrong with her. She spent a few hours being pumped full of fluids, but she still doesn't look too good. The doctor's answer? Oh, they don't know. Eight years of school and they don't know how to do their job. I hate doctors.

* With school about to start back, most of my friends are rejoining whatever social circles they frequented before the summer started, while my circle is off getting married and moving out of state. This leaves me feeling... awkward? Okay, not awkward, just a bit left behind.

* I still am no where closer to understanding why God does the things He does. Every time I try to figure out exactly what He is about to do, I end up making myself upset because it didn't go the way I planned. I just need to get over myself and let God take the wheel instead of all of this "let me handle establishing the Kingdom" nonsense.

Overall suck rating right now? Eh... around 86%.

EDIT: V for Vendetta makes me want to start a revolution. Any takers/ideas/disagreements?

And I was all like... whatevah

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 05:59:18 GMT

Tonight was... special. Special meaning that it was different from most other nights, but still loved even though it might not be near as smart or fun at parties, and occasionally poops on itself. Yeah, that describes it.

I slept until like 2:30 after staying up late and reading a useless book (entertaining, but useless) and felt like I had wasted the better part of the day. I sat around another hour reading something slightly more useless (less entertaining) and then had to go pray for my sister to start feeling better, mainly because I hate when people get sick and I don't have insurance to go to the doctor. Those are the ideals you get once you decide to drop college to go and sit in a voodoo infested country. In short, waste of my "morning".

Perry Stone, incredibleness. He spoke on a lot of stuff that blew my mind that I will probably write about early next week. After the amazing word I heard a new song that really made me feel like I was in a black gospel church, and it made me happy. Stephanie and Meg thought it made me look mildly retarded, but that just means that I am getting deeper and deeper in my worship. One of these days I might just have to get naked (ref. King David). The entireity of the evening was ruined by certain people sucking more than usual at being great people in social settings. Sometimes I wonder if people act stupidly on purpose or if they are really that oblivious to other people's feelings. In fact, I wonder of all people do have phases of really "not caring". Meh.

Now I am sitting at Meagon's house, contemplating on how much I suck at spelling compared to Stephanie. That is why I am a writer and not a proofreader. <3

Meh.

Fri, 04 Aug 2006 06:40:33 GMT

Tonight was the Overflow concert with Justin, which worked out a bit better than I had thought it would. We had quite a few people who don't usually come, but I still expected a few more new faces. Oh well, school hasn't even started yet so I can't really dwell on that. I didn't really get to worship too much tonight because I was recording every single thing going on for our DVD. I dunno, but I really don't like recording services. It really seems like we are making a show of God, even though I know we aren't intentionally. Whatever.

Waffle House after that with Steph, Corey, Cork, and Meagon. It was fun, but I was acting really confrontational with Stephanie for some weird reason. Of course, my form of confrontational barely registers with anyone, but I still didn't like it at all. I am glad that God pointed it out though, otherwise that could definitely be a set back with us.

Lunch tomorrow with Pat Schatzline and the Forerunners, which I have been waiting for. Stephanie says my journal entries are too long, so thats it.

LJ, what?

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 23:16:24 GMT

After talking to Cork and Stephanie the past few weeks, and noticing how there are still some people who use their LJs, I have decided to attempt to use mine once again. Since it has been over a year since I have even opened this thing for real, lets go over a few basic changes you will need to know to keep up with me.

* I Am 100% Sold Out For God- This should be obvious if I have spoken to you over the past year. I don't really care about too much else in the world, in fact, I only really care about my friends and God. Everything else is really trivial. I have shifted from my Baptist background into the crazy Charismatic side of Christianity, so I will probably weird you out if you have been used to sitting in a boring church where nothing ever happens, because things happen when you roll with God.

* I Love My New Friends, And My Old Ones Are okay- Because of the reason above, I hang out with a mostly new group of friends. Why? Because the other people would rather go to a movie on a Friday night instead of going to heal someone and pull them out of a wheelchair (yes, I said that). My two best friends are probably Stephanie Riley and Corey Crews. Stephanie is amazing, even though she needs to be kicked in the face right now for no apparant reason, and Corey thinks he knows everything and pretty much despises anything he doesn't like. I love my friends, and they love me(?).

* I Have No Set Course In Life- Right now I am flowing with the wind. No, that sounds like hippy-talk. I am doing whatever God tells me to do. For all I know I could be in China or Africa next week, and I would be completely cool with that. Most of the time I spend at Destiny Life Church helping out around there until God calls me to go somewhere else and get some work done. Some people call it lazy and lethargic, but I call it living on the edge of my seat, and I <3 it.

Now you know.

New LJ

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 08:04:08 GMT

New times have come, and the old me is dead. Or something like that.

My life has really changed in the past few months, so it is time for my LJ to change. I don't know how many of you still have me on the list, considering I don't write in this thing, but if you do then add me. I will be updating a lot more since college is a few weeks away.

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 20:22:50 GMT

Did anyone ever see that episode of 'Boy Meets World' where Topanga gets the full scholarship to Yale but isn't sure she wants to go because of Corey? If not, its easy enough to imagine. That also means that it is easy to imagine what I am in right now. Last night after the concert (which was really good) I came home and checked my mail sitting on the bar. It was just the usual: bank statements, junk mail, ~~adult material~~, and college stuff. I opened most of it, and found something in there I didn't really expect. It was a scholarship, a full one, to one of the best seminary schools in the country. Its in Missouri, away from anything I know in this world. That isn't what bothers me though, but its the fact that it is not what bothers me that bothers me, if that makes any sense. If I go, I will be giving up on something, or someone, that I really care about. It is probably one of the stupidest things I will do, give up $30,000 just for a shot at being with someone I care about. I am not sure yet, and I don't think I will be for a while.

(...)

Thu, 24 Feb 2005 04:04:28 GMT

I have been dead the past couple of weeks, through sickness and stupidity. As of last Monday I had the flu, which was absolutely horrible. I sometimes go overboard describing things, but I honestly could not get out of bed until last Thursday, and that was a push. I did enjoy the week off, which totaled up to be 10 straight days without any kind of educational lecture. I played a few video games, which used to be a staple of my behavior but now I am just too busy, so I enjoyed the change.

This week I started track for the year. As fate would have it, I am running long distance so I get to enjoy a 6 mile run every day for the rest of the spring. I wish I could say I am looking foward to it, but I am not. I haven't had any free time, with track and the usual church work I have to get done. On top of this, I have so many things to do and places to be that are not part of my daily routine coming up in the next few weeks that I have hardly any free time. Every now and then I catch 30 minutes to just sit down and catch a breath, but as for trying to get any writing done- next to zero. I really will be glad when things slow down, so that maybe I can manage to have some me time to explore whats going on in my life. I suppose it could be worse though, at least I don't have to get a real job, I can keep freelancing and working with Corey on weekends.

Oh yeah, I need a local Christian Rock band to play on March 23. Anyone know of one I could possibly book? Its a paying gig if that helps.

Party!!! w00t!!!

Tue, 08 Feb 2005 04:03:18 GMT

Birthday Awesomeness!!!

So my birthday is finally here! Lucky you, everyone is invited. I don't care if I know you, have known you, know of you, or if you are completely new!

"So Chris, why should I come to your dumb party?

Easy, its fun! There will be the DJ skillz of myself and DJ CrazyCrews (CrewsControl), BBQ care of "The Smoking Grill", the comedy of "Those Guys!", and live music by The Background.

"Okay... fine. But I am not going to like your dumb party. When is it?"

Its @ 7 in the PM on Saturday, Feb 12. For directions IM me (TheSparrowZZ, ChesterZZ), call me (205-467-3920), or email me @ Chester_zz@yahoo.com. I guess you can comment and ask too.

I pitty da fool who aint at dis party!

Break Ups and Shake Ups

Tue, 08 Feb 2005 03:46:25 GMT

Its a little bit of late news, but Anna and I broke up last Wednesday. I was really messed up about it, which is understandable I guess, but I think I am okay about it now. I really have this feeling like we will get back together so I am really not worried. We are still really close, so its not like I have lost that much. I am just looking at this as taking the time for us to become the friends we should have been before we started dating.

On top of that, I got asked to Clay/Chalkville's prom by an old friend of mine. Anyone else plan on going?

Enough With Time Travel

Sun, 30 Jan 2005 08:04:27 GMT

Something weird has been going on in my head for a while. I guess its do to these weird thought processes going on while I am ironing out the plot to my next book. I am constantly looking over a bunch of things in my head from the past, looking for some meaning in them that I can somehow share with the world while still keeping my past private. The Fort Payne incident comes to mind, but that can only go so far with the story I have. Relationships keep coming to mind, two in particular. Its not that I am not happy with Anna, I really like her and enjoy every minute I am with her. The thing is, my mind refuses to let go of the past. Like last night, I had a dream that was taking place in the world my book takes place in (weird, I know, but it helps me to plot things out) and Nikki was there. She was sitting in the back seat of whatever we were in with a few other people. I think I was driving, or at least riding shotgun, and she suddenly blurts out "Chris, I want to talk about us. I still.." and I stopped her, telling her to wait because we were in the middle of some conflict or something. Anyway, it bothered me a little bit, but I let it go. Later this afternoon I started writing things out and the number '0393' stuck out in my head. I couldn't place it or anything, as much as I tried. I typed it in my phone and still got nothing. I asked Lainie about it when she got there and she told me "Chris... that's Nikki's number." I don't know why it was in my head, seeing as I can barely remember numbers I use everyday. I haven't talked to her in forver, and I am sure that I don't want to get back together with her. During all of this, I found a picture of me and Molly at a party from back in the day. At least I knew what that was from, and the memories of that were still clear.

To top things off, out of nowhere I checked Alyssa's journal thing. I think about her a lot, more than I should really. Anyway, it may be big-headed of me, but I couldn't help but think that she wrote about me a little bit. Maybe I am not the only one who is haunted by their past relationships. Is haunted even the right word? I dunno, maybe its more than just being afraid of what can happen if I go back to those places in my head. I don't want to revisit those times where I know that I messed up... I don't know. I just don't.

Today: Prelude to the Future

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 07:26:55 GMT

After much thought and sleeplessness, I decided that I should finally make the move and ask Anna to be my full on girlfriend. Most people already put us together anyway, so it wasn't much more than a formality and getting a new title. Of course, I was scared beyond all belief- feeling sick most of the morning and later in the afternoon. I started by asking Natalie to do some recon for me, to find out my odds with asking her. As expected, Natalie got a typical "Anna" answer, simply a "Gee, I dunno. Maybe.", which did me absolutely no good, other than coming in and making me even more worried about it. I then proceeded to talk to Kevin about it, though I didn't because other stuff came up to talk about. Its amazing how I can talk to someone 5 years older than me like they were my brother and not think anything about it, but thats just my style I suppose. School was over, and I still had no answer. The next choice to do was to talk to one of her close friends- Lainie or Joy. Considering I am much closer to Lainie, she won the phone lottery. Her answer was that I stood no chance, Anna simply wanted to be friends. I was devastated, to the point where I was almost sick thinking about it. Anna got off at 8:00, so I slept for a few hours.

I called her later to ask her opinion on things and it seemed like she was really upset about it. After some talking, she told me it was important to her not to have a boyfriend in high school. There were other things said, but even some things are too personal to put here. Basically, she told me she couldn't commit to a relationship and that if I wanted to see other people I should. I told her the only thing that came to mind, that I didn't mind waiting for her. As long as I am with her, I don't mind not being "with her". I am not going to see other people, the thought doesn't even register in my head. Maybe things will get serious in a few years when she moves to Mobile, I don't know. Fate put us in the same place for a reason. Its like when I wanted to go to Minnesota- that was put in my head so that Dani and I would have grounds to be friends on. Who knows where this will lead me? Will it be something better than that, or will it be another romantic let-down?

"Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it."

Mon, 24 Jan 2005 04:18:45 GMT

Last night was freaking awesome. We had the Winter Formal..err, the Snow Ball. Whatever its called, it was great. I took Anna with me, as usual, and something super crazy happened- I couldn't use any of my talking skills. Usually I can find some smooth way to use words to make it seem like I am cool and confident, but with her I am just speechless. Her hair, her dress, her smell, her... words can't describe her. Words are simple inadequacies when used to describe her, and nothing short of the Divine can give her being justice. Being around her makes me drunk, drunk with something that isn't physical desire or passion, but just the want-no, the need- to be with her. I constantly compare things to my relationships in the past, trying to find reason in such an unreasonable thing as a relationship. Never before have feelings of euphoria come over me that weren't caused by a kiss or something physical to show affection. This time they came from simply being around her. I held her in my arms for minutes at a time, the best minutes I have experience on this earth yet. It is odd, but I found religion in her. Something so perfectly made for me, it couldn't be coincidence... it is fate. Being there makes me draw closer to her and God, almost as if they are one and the same. Its weird, how religion fits so closely with life. Most people would just say I am wrong, because there isn't anything written like this in their books. So what? These feelings I have, they aren't in any books I have seen. If I don't limit my emotion, why limit my religion.

In Other Words: Cody says it best- "I am not in love with her, I am in love with being with her."

Oh yeah, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy movie coming out. Awesomeness.

The Entry With No Title Except That It Has One

Sun, 09 Jan 2005 08:32:39 GMT

Completely boring day. End.

Okay, so at least last night was fun. I went to see Anna at work on her break and had a blast. It seems like those are the only real times where we get to spend one on one time together anymore. Either I am busy or she is, so it effectively kills the chances of us having a serious dating relationship at the momment. Somehow I am not sad because of it because it is better for us. I have learned that I don't want to spend every waking hour of my day with someone who I am loving getting to know better. I could be like CJ and her new guy, Ben, where we spend every night together and start making out and speaking of love after 6 days. I want to cherish every momment I have with Anna, because I never know how many more I have. I don't think it will end any time soon, but there is still that chance that something will happen that will keep us from eachother. Plus, I don't have to worry about not having something to talk about with her. I wasn't there for her entire day, so I can actually be entertained with her telling me what happened. I am sure that even if I were to be there for it, the way she told it would still be amusing. Its just her style... or something.
After that Dicey met me at Publix and we back to my house for a few minutes so I could get some food and then to Chip's house to watch "Blue Collar Comedy Rides Again", which was one of the best stand-ups since "Blue Collar Comedy Tour". Everyone really liked Ron White, but I guess drunk jokes just don't work as much on me anymore. Catholocism is fading from my system more and more each day, but is it a bad thing? I took Dani back to her car after that, and came home in the rain to find Ben and CJ on the couch for a 4th(?) night in a row. I just grabbed some pizza and went to bed, to wake up today to nothing.

I did do something tonight though, I read my old LJ posts. It brought up some thoughts about how I have changed... but oh well.

It started by me just testing out this live bookmark feature on my browser, and then turned into a trippy, flip out fun ride. I noticed that my tone has gotten a lot... brighter. No longer do I find all these dark things in life, but instead I find that everywhere there is good. It was a small part of what I believed then, but now it is the core. My language has gotten loads better to where I hardly ever say the evil nasty words like poop and stuff, allowing more creativity with my words. I see how cussing is just an excuse used by people with poor vocabulary skills, but some of the smarter people I know use them so maybe its not true. My poetic side shows itself less and less with my writing style now, to the point where it seems like everything is sort of monotone, blending my writing style on the LJ into the same thing as everyone else. Sure, its a record of what I do, but its also my writing excercise. Plus, people like it... and I like people, so I like it. If you don't like it, so what? Should I cry? No... I should just stare at you for being you.

My standpoint towards religion has changed a little since then, too. No longer do I make cracks on Baptists, because I kinda sorta am one. I have drifted further in to the right-wing of religion, which is good considering religion is a traditional and moralistic thing- something the right-wing is all about. I have taken on a new purpose in life, except its one I have always had. I have always had this need to help others, which is nothing new to everyone. It just so happens, however, that the church is also really big on that concept. With Kevin right there with me, I actually have a mentor who can teach me on that part of life. I have changed, I am sure of it. I didn't want to admit it because it may not have been cool, I wouldn't be all hXc anymore. Screw being like that if it means forsaking the good things I have going in my life. Those of you who do say it, I am sure you understood anyway, and it didn't change things then. I haven't changed deep down- I took those quizzes again and every one of them came up the same. Some were over a year old, so it wasn't that I remembered what to do.

What it comes down to is that I am me, no matter what happens. My outter shell may change, and I may walk on different roads from time to time, but I still know my destination and why I want to go there. My life may not be so dark anymore, but with someone there to hold a light for me, things are better. If things change, and they will, I will adapt. If not, the situation will.

Poot, Pooted, Pooting

Fri, 07 Jan 2005 23:05:32 GMT

My mind is a state of total chaos right now, and the weird thing is that nothing new has been happening. The same old things are coming up again and again, and every time I fail to get rid of them for good. My dad is constantly pressuring me to get a "real job" instead of helping Kevin with youth and freelancing my pen out. He says that come my birthday I will have to be independent financially. I can understand that if he were tired of giving me money to go out with friends and such, but he is talking all aspects. I don't have the time to hold down a part-time job, prepare bible studies for Thursdays, youth on Wednesdays, being mentored on Tuesdays, and having the lead role at play practice. It really bothers me that he can't see what I am trying to do in life, but it is his own business.
In other news, I had some thoughts about someone I hadn't had in a long time. Not thoughts about going back to them, no. Anna is way too awesome for that. Instead, I was worried about her because I treated her like crap. Even if she was so far away, I should have at least tried to make an effort on things to make her happy. I read her journal, and turns out she is doing better than she was with me. I am glad that things turn out like that.

Oh yeah, Mr. Smith is the best teacher in the world. Anyone who knows that to teach grammar to Springvillians you have to use bodily functions is an awesome teacher. He is also all about Lord of the Rings and other Brit Lit.... it makes me happy.

What Kind of Name is Lookadoo? A Great One!

Fri, 07 Jan 2005 08:12:03 GMT

As some of you know, my church (Spring Valley) is considered the pinnacle of right-wing conservatism within the area. Most churches, and youth groups for that matter, have become more lax in recent years to cope with with the changing behavior and ideals of what is right and wrong with society. As I am not really an adult and majorly involved in actual church matters, I will focus on youth. Members of these youth groups are now more ruled by the MTV than their supposed religious ideals, which is perfectly fine if they wake up happy in the morning. Now is not the time to burn those folk at the stake.. but I do look foward to it. Should be fun... marshmellows and all.

Anyway, a lot of the ideas Spring Valley has come from the girls (Just like real life!), which forces the guys to follow along or risk being... unDateable. Yes, for those in the know, you know where this is going. The book, Dateable by Justin Lookadoo and Hayley Morgan, acts as a dating bible for the girls in the youth group. Apparently it is a popular book elsewhere too. Answering to the calls of my friends and to those who I don't ever want to meet, I read the book. Now, for you-

The overall story behind Dateable is that relationships in your teenage life mean as much as sugar-free food to fat kids- nothing. Eventually, every relationship you have up until later in life will fail, with only 5% of all high school marriages lasting. I don't argue the fact, it sounds pretty secure. I do worry, though, that people will read this and automatically assume that their relationship will fail. For anything to work you have to have faith in it. If you don't believe it will work, how can you be expected to put effort in to a relationship to see if you and your special friend are in that 5%? Think about the population of the world, divide by two, and then take 5% of that. I am not doing the math, but I do know that the number equals out to be a crapload of people! You can even take away a few numbers to account for swingers and other risque typed things and you still have a rather large number. I haven't ever dated unless I thought that I could see myself with a person years down the road, so I suppose that is where I disagree with the opening chapter.

Later chapters go on to discuss how guys are complete trash. We lie, cheat, and steal, all to obtain our main goal in life- SEX. For 90% of guys, yes. I am a guy, so I know that the instinct is there. Keep in mind, however, that this book was designed as a Christian dating guide. Should we, as Christian men, not be above our desires like that? According to the book, no. Sure, it does say that we can conquer our desires of the flesh, but in the sections speaking to girls (75% of the book) it states that guys are only out for that reason. Fair enough, you could argue that all day and men would still be wrong, but thats what being a guy is about.

This is not even my highest complaint. Towards the end of the book, Mr. Lookadoo says that if you lay horizontal with a girl, stuff happens. He doesn't say "Be careful, because stuff can happen.", he says that it will. As a teacher of things like Christian dating, I would really hope that he had more faith in children of tomorrow, at least enough to give a little room to those of us who think with our top-floor brain. This message is scattered in small parts throughout the whole book, making impressionable teenage girls (certain people come to mind) believe that if they even think about situations like this, they are going to actually do the horizontal dance. Maybe its me, but I have more faith in people.

There are some good concepts in this book that I firmly agree with. The book pushes that guys should reclaim our title as guys, no longer allowing girls to ask us out or call us. I am guilty of this too, and the book did help me realize that. Guys are too worried about rejection because we are stuck trying to be feminine, while women are trying to be more independent in the world and assuming male roles. Basically, it takes the stress off the guy and places it on the shoulders of your lady friend. Another good point made is that boundries should be set as to how far a relationship should go physically, and that this choice should be decided jointly between two people.

Overall, this book is really misleading to the typical teenage girl reader. It leads them to believe that guys are crap and that the only reason we date is for sex. If that is the only reason we date, and the only time sex is okay is during marriage, then you should not date until you are ready to be married. A suggestion- read the book. Read the book and take what it says and... heaven forbid, form your own opinion for dating! Maybe you should decide what is right for your dating life according to your moral convictions and the dude upstairs. Maybe then you can be comfortable with your number one thang... and maybe then, you will be truly Dateable.

P.S. I know it came off as a bit harsh, but I really do respect these two people for writing a book like this. The intentions were really there, and even if I don't agree with all of it, I am sure that someone out there was really helped out by this book. I can respect that, because if you reach one person and better their life, you have done an awesome job as a writer and as a servant to the dude upstairs. Though the odds are really low of it happening, if Mr. Lookadoo happens to stumble across this (I know I put my name in Google from time to time) then I would just like to say, "Keep on keeping on."

I Still Have This Thing?

Thu, 06 Jan 2005 05:04:24 GMT

Okay... looking back at the last entry and seeing I was upset and it was over a month ago, I drew the conclusion that I could have very well commited suicide over the situation, or worse- joined a cult. Well, luckily I am alive and have no tribal tattoos marking me in a cult... though I do have some new crazy philosophies. First, one of my list that I do when I dissapear for countless ages! Hooray!!

1. Finished Schooling for the Semester- Pretty uneventful for the most part. Holocaust final project turned out amazing due to the last minute "Let It Snow" plan of adding snow to our crappy camp. Unofficially voted favorite by the school. Also, ACT on the 10th. I scored a 28, putting me at a 4,500 a semester scholarship. School is paid for down at Mobile.

2. Christmas- Got my MP3 player, so now I can be the only white kid in town to cruise down the streets listening to J-Pop... but with the included headphones, no one has to know anything about it. I also got a buttload of new clothes, so now I can live out my fantasy as the GAP kids breakdancing on the television. Don't deny it, everyone out there has at some time wanted to do it. I also have a late present, a Nintendo DS, coming as soon as the backorder clears on them. Now I can finally get my game on while out and about. Nerd power x2, yo.

3. Youth Trip- We all went to Gatlinburg (or Townsend if you want to get technical) and stayed on a ranch. Adam and I got our own cabin without a chaparone so we managed to get into as much trouble as possible without breaking commandments. We found out the hard way that dish washing soap is not to be added to a hot tub to make that heterosexual bubble bath dream come true.

4. Anna- We have sort of gone backwards to go fowards, which was both of our ideas so its really a good thing. Friendship is something we didn't stress at the start of things, but now we realize that we really don't know eachother yet. Now, instead of working towards more couple-like behavior, I want more friendship-like behavior. I still like her romantically quite a bit, but I really want us to work out so I will do anything to keep us together. Besides, Anna is one of the coolest friends I have anyway so I can only imagine things will be super awesome. She may not be the one, but at least I know that I always want her to be around as a friend at the very least. Yes, I just reiterated myself in that last sentence.

So thats what I did, with my wasting of a month. It was fun and educational. I really gained a lot spiritual wise on that youth trip too, which is good considering I am helping Kevin out around the youth group now. I really got into deistic views while we were there, which was taught by Kevin. I think thats why I like him compared to other ministers. He isn't afraid to go outside of the norm to get a point across. Here, a Southern Baptist used a teaching by a very extreme religion who believes God is seperated from our lives to prove that God is all around us. I think that it made more sense like that. I don't really think it is blasphomey either, considering the message it was meant to teach. Nowhere does it say that the Bible is the only thing we should teach from, it is only the guide to see what to teach. Too many people are so stuck in a book they never read but worship to realize that there is truth all around us. Art, poetry, music, and even MTV has some sort of message to teach all of us about the world. Except for maybe MTV... that stuff is just plain whack.

P.S. Pick up a copy (or my copy) of "The Hipster Handbook". Its deck on its info about crokites on edge. Or something....

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 03:59:29 GMT

Somehow I managed to mess things up, though I am not really sure how or what I messed up. Maybe I got too close? Maybe I was too far off. Maybe its something I did? Maybe its something I didn't do. Did you hope for the world and recieve but a speck, or were you overwhelmed over what you recieved? I could go on for hours thinking of things I might not have done right, which is a bad thing- I know. Can I honestly say that I gave it my all? No, I don't think so. Do I feel like you were 100% in to it instead? No, but some things in life are best taken at half speed. Its like that curve on the road to your house... dangerous, scary for the first couple of times. If you take it slow things will usually turn out okay, but with the icy winter here there is always that possibility of ice, sending us over the edge to the end. Still, would I be to blame for creating the puddle that turned to ice? I am not sure... but there are some things I am not completely in the dark about. We appeared to be perfect for eachother, at least as far as I could tell. You made me happy when things weren't going too well. I thought that I did those things for you, but that brings us back to the category of things I don't know. Tomorrow may tell, because now it is night, and night obscures all. Maybe we are just in the nightfall of our relationship, bundling together that which makes us safe and waiting for the famillar morning. Night always passes, bringing back day with the warm sunlight illuminating us once again. Yet still, some places go months without day. Somehow... things are messed up.

Stuff

Thu, 25 Nov 2004 05:32:25 GMT

Murphee's Law- If something can go wrong, it will.

Chris's Law- If something has ever been able to go wrong, sooner or later it will.

As most of you know, this whole "good" thing is a little new to me. Of course, I was never "evil" so to speak, but I didn't really watch what I did that much. I did a lot of things I shouldn't have done. Now some of those things could very well be my downfall again. Some people would be wishing that they wouldn't have done things that can come back to them, not me. I have realized that we are simply a sum of our experiences in this world, and that to remove those things would effectively change the person that I am. I could not be "good" unless I knew what it was to be "evil". These things may cause my downfall, but I can not change who I am no matter the cause. If she leaves because of it, I don't blame her. She deserves better than me. She certainly deserves better than him too. I haven't met someone worthy of her yet, but I only hope that I can be enough to stay around. Never have I been so smitten by someone in so short of a time. Every second I am awake I think of her. My writing is full of references to her now, making writing sad things impossible for me. I simply hope that my shortcomings will not be what changes things now.

Yeah, you probably don't know what I mean by this... but by not knowing it only helps. Soon.

So You Will Be Happy....

Thu, 18 Nov 2004 04:48:39 GMT

Dani

Weird Languages.... Ewwww

Thu, 18 Nov 2004 00:11:20 GMT

Wow... I really do not use this thing at all anymore, and its weird. I started out with this all happy action crazy idea that I would write down everything that happens to me and then I would be able to come back and look at it and feel good about the good times, bad on the bad times, and various other semi-related feelings for the various other semi-related feelings- but too bad. I just have too much going on to document every good part of my life now, because thats pretty much all that it is. Not until today did I realize that there were even things going on around me that were not cool, but I deal with them as I can. Its not like nothing bad happens to me, trust me- the suck is still turned up. Its just the fact that it doesn't really affect me that much anymore. I have awesome people around me that are constantly bringing me up to new levels that I didn't know I could get to, and my old friends are still right there with me for the most part, and making sure that I don't lose my sense of self under the influences of these new people. It is incredibly good. Now- quick recap:

1. Church- I officially allied myself with the Baptists. Sure- they talk about Hell more than anyone in the world, but they are good people. I really have flourished around them, and it is working out for the best. Some people say that I joined because of Anna, but thats not true. I don't really sit by her there, simply because I would be distracted.

2. Anna- Wow... she is awesome. Never before have I been happy that a relationship was moving slow. We have been dating for about a month now, and I still haven't put any moves on her at all. I could, and I know they would not be shot down, but there is just something more there that I get from waiting until the time is perfect. When she comes over its not all sitting on the couch making out or watching movies, no. We sit around and just talk about things, and get to know eachother more. Wow... that sounds really lame on paper... but I don't care. Its just fun.

Okay... that was shorter than expected, but things happen and I have to get going yet again. If I haven't seen you... sorry. If I haven't talked, let me know. If you are hurt and I don't know, remember that I am here for you no matter what. Bon chance, mon ami.

Tue, 02 Nov 2004 04:45:57 GMT

Wow.... really long time since I have written anything. I guess that is in partial due to the fact that I have been busy beyond all belief. Thursday marked the end of my planning for Coffee House night here in Springville, which turned out amazingly. We made about $250 dollars, which we really needed because we are about to start our production. I really don't care about the money, its really not that important to me. I can run a play with $100 and still have a decent show I think. No, what mattered to me was that I took nothingness, combined it with the talents of others and myself, and made something that everyone in Springville talked about the next day at school. This is really my first time that something I planned went off so well, because usually things find a way to go wrong. I just credit it to higher powers and my friends, because without them I am nothing. Just as iron sharpens iron, man sharpens man. Jesus said that, and he was right... but I suppose he always is by divine right. They helped more than they know, and if any of them read this (Dusty) thanks, and I owe you one.

Just as that ends, more begins. Auditions for our play, "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory will be sometime in the next week, with rehearsals following every day afterwards. I don't know what I am doing yet, it all depends on how I feel. A lot of people want me to direct, but I really feel Natalie would be much better at it. Without that, I am left with going out for the co-lead, Willy Wonka. Slight problem though, Anna wants the part too. Sure, she is a great actress, its just that I really feel that it would be better received with a guy in the role. Before a woman gets upset, let me clarify that she can do it, and probably do a fine job. I dont know yet, but I will have to decide.

Speaking of Anna, wow. She has been so amazing to me in the past month, I really don't know what to say to sum up how I feel. She is always there for me, and she makes me much stronger in my faith. Most of my other girlfriends have been those that send me further away from God, simply because of my wanting to make out and stuff like that. Thats one great thing, we don't make out or anything of the sort, and yet she is still closer to me than anyone has been in a while. We spent pretty much the past two weeks together, and now that we aren't constantly practicing for Coffee House night it bothers me, because I somewhat miss her company. Not just hers, but Adam and Lainie also. The four of us started our only little clique, "The Quadruple Alliance". In WW I there was the alliance between Austria, Russia, Prussia, and Brittian. We are each one of the four, having traits from each. I am Brittian, I have loyalty to both the world (my friends) and a higher power. Plus, I have Brittish nobility in my gene pool so its okay. The four of us are all sort of dating each other in a sense, because we don't do anything without the others, except for Halloween when Anna and I went Trick or Treating. We were easily the oldest kids running around. I was a Jedi, lightsaber and all. Dorky- you bet. Fun- definitely.

If you didn't notice, there are a lot more references to God and the such in my LJ now. This is because I have decided to be a Youth Minister. I guess I just sort of realized it hanging around Kevin that it was what I wanted. God came in and reassured me that it was the right path, so I know its not like anything else I decided. It does leave me with a problem though. I have not planned for anything outside of going into the Marines. Sure, I can rake and scrape to get into a school now, and I can be happy. I just don't know what I am doing. If you are of the praying type, help me out. I really need some guidance on this thing. I started writing again, so hopefully that will help. Who knows... I change my mind so many times here lately I am starting to feel like Barbie- except I wear underpants and she doesn't... because she is easy.

Mon, 11 Oct 2004 00:52:46 GMT

I haven't written in a while, as you can probably notice without me telling you. I suppose that it is just all about my new attitude at the momment. I have a lot of those here revently, those small realizations that give way into the nothingness that they really are. I do particulary like my newest one, though. So far its the only one that has yielded any sort of "true" happiness, if such a thing can exist anymore with all the conflict we all go through day to day. Sure, I could have it worse. Even better, I will probably have it worse in this lifetime anyway. Its just the fact that high school is supposed to be happy and carefree, and yet I am stuck in this cloud of depression and caring. Whatever though, there is a whole genre of music that can better express those feelings. I found my way out of it. So far in life I have depended on others to bring me out of it, but now it was me. Not the feeling from a girl who, God forbid, returns actual feelings instead of wanting simply to screw around. Not the feeling of everyone praising me for something I actually managed to get right. It was just a feeling of being. Last night was one of the best nights of my life, and I didn't even go anywhere new or out with anyone I haven't before. Just being there in that car with the 80's music playing, singing along off key on purpose, and sipping Sprite from champagne glasses that cost more than half the things own... that is what made me happy. Simplicity. Knowing that no matter what, some people will actually be there for me when they say it. There won't be excuses about why they can't be with me when they said they would. I didn't even touch anyone yet I felt more loved than ever before... and yet I don't get it. No drugs involved, no sappy events that bring everyone together. For those few hours WE were there, not as individuals grouped together, but as a whole with equality amongst us all.

In short, I want last night again.